


Dear Gabby

by storiesfortravellers



Category: Heroes - Fandom
Genre: Advice Column, Crack, F/M, M/M, Multi, Relationship Advice, Serial Killers Give Self-Serving Advice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-30
Updated: 2012-09-30
Packaged: 2017-11-15 08:13:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/525095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storiesfortravellers/pseuds/storiesfortravellers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crack!ficlet with Sylar as an advice columnist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Gabby

**Author's Note:**

> Written for comment_fic on livejournal
> 
> Prompt was Sylar writing a Dear Abby style column

**Advice Column Week 1:**

Dear Teed-off in Tokyo,  
I do not know if your life partner is still in love with you, but he does indeed sound very special. Perhaps if I were to inspect his brain up close, I could find out for you. Please re-submit question with your street address.

Dear Generous in Genosha,  
For the last time, I am not a sex columnist. That said, I suggest using lotion next time.

Dear Sandra in California,  
If your husband has lied to you and made false accusations against you, obviously there are trust issues. I suggest you take your daughter and your cute little dog and stay far away from him and his so-called 'protection.'  
PS I guess you can take your other kid too. A son, was it? Whatever.

Dear Petey is Needy,  
Are you sure this letter is about your 'brother'? Because it doesn't sound like it's about your 'brother'? Also? Your mom is a piece of work. You need to be on your own awhile and find out who YOU are.

Dear Mad About Dad,  
Obviously, you've gone through a lot, what with your father and with the being shunned by the mainstream scientific community. But you should remember that forgiveness is an important part of the healing process. I'm more interested in this 'villain' you keep referring to. He sounds handsome. Maybe all the times you've tried to kill him, you were just too scared to say how much you wanted him. Think about it.

 

**Advice Column Week 2:**

 

Dear "Nate the great,"

For some reason, your complaints seem oddly familiar to me. I almost feel like I've gone through something similar for some reason. Weird.

Anyway, in terms of your family issues, I suggest you follow the exact same advice I gave Petey is Needy last time.

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Dear "Confused Co-ed,"

You seem very paranoid - don't worry about threats so much. If they're gonna come, then they're gonna come. And don't worry about 'normal.' Only a simpering idiot would be so obsessed with normalcy that she ignored the good things right in front of her face.

Though of course, if you REALLY want to be normal, you could get married. To someone you can grow old with. Or maybe someone you can not-grow-old with? Think about it.

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Dear "Head case,"

Yes, it is a big deal if you think there's another person in your head. Yes, it is a big deal if you are a police officer who cannot tell reality from fantasy during an investigation. Yes, it is a big deal if you're convinced that the person in your head is smart enought to "trick" you into doing bad things.

Obviously, the source of all these problems is that YOU are secretly bad inside. I suggest you think long and hard about who you would like to blame for this, and then attack him with a foolhardy plan and a reckless lack of defensive capability.

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Dear "Dirtyboy"

You don't seem to understand that members of your 'family' also have a right to make decisions about their own lives. And when someone like me thinks you're a power-mad control freak? That's saying something.

I also received your autograph request. I did not understand the part about 'destroying the enemies,' so I just decided to send a regular signature.

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Dear Mad About Dad,

I'm sorry if you felt my response was insensitive last time. I hope it didn't make you cry or scream. If I did, please send photos.

Furthermore, I stand by my original advice - that you would be much happier if you just admitted to yourself that you are quite obsessed with this handsome-sounding man you describe. Perhaps you should go take a road trip with him, to recapture some of the original magic.


End file.
